You may have noticed that my blog frequency has decreased. I could simply say that I’ve been busy and leave it at that, but that would only be somewhat true, and wouldn’t really address the problem I’m having, so here’s a go at total honesty.
For the past two weeks, I have had probably a dozen blog topics run through my head, and have dismissed all of them for the same reason–potentially offending someone. If you are a family member or have reached a point in your life where this is no longer an issue, I can already hear you saying, “it’s okay! We love you! Just write what’s in your heart!” And “Why the f*%k would you care? Just write whatever you want!” Respectively. You’re both right. But it’s not all that simple. Over the past few weeks, the support coming from all of you has been unexpectedly overwhelming, and wonderful. I have also had some of the stars of my blogs–people I never even dreamed would read them–contact me to ask questions or give a nod of approval, sending me into a panic, internally shouting “holy f*%k! They actually READ that? Well s%£t, should I skip town now or just have a heart attack from embarrassment?!” In the end it was fine, but the anxiety is real!
In addition, as a stay at home mom, my scope can be somewhat and temporarily limited to subjects of home, family, and children. As a woman of a certain age, I have a lot of friends and family in a myriad of different stages of family planning, whether that be trying to have kids, learning you can’t have kids, coming to terms with failed adoption attempts, deciding not to have kids, deciding to stay home with kids and having mixed feelings about that, deciding to work and having mixed feelings about that, deciding whether or not to divulge issues of infertility, defending your choice to have 6 or more kids, defending your choice to have no children…the list could go on, and I know and love someone in EVERY ONE of these situations.
My problem is that any time I start to write about my family, I envision one of these people that I love being hurt or offended or triggering a guilt reflex or triggering a defense mechanism or just generally sticking my foot in my mouth. It’s a problem. So, because I was having this issue, my blog came to a near standstill, and the love and joy I was experiencing through my writing became apprehension and fear. I can’t not write. It’s who I am. So where do I go from here?
I have decided that in order to move forward, I needed to write this blog post as a sort of disclaimer. I have things to say about motherhood, and they’re not all good, or sensitive. I can’t promise that I won’t inadvertently offend someone, trigger an emotional response, or make someone envious or resentful. That could happen. It wouldn’t be on purpose, and I would never want to hurt someone I love, but sometimes words hurt, and I can’t sacrifice my writing on the off chance that someone will hate me for it. I would hope that the people in my life would all understand that my experiences are my own, and because of that, they are intrinsically biased. I am only capable of making decisions and opinions based on the information received through the filters of my perspective–we all suffer the same shortsightedness. That being said, I am open-minded, willing to listen to other points of view, and in fact welcome new opinions and perspectives. Your horizons are only as broad as you allow them to be. I am wide open.
I know that I am extremely blessed. As much as I complain on some days, I am always thankful for what I have. I have a husband that I love, two healthy boys, and a life with a reasonable amount of security. I need you to know that I don’t take these things for granted, even when I feel like running away from it all. I also want you to know that I have had struggles of my own. Maybe they’re equal to yours, maybe they’re not, but you can’t look at anyone’s life at face value and assume that they don’t know what it’s like to suffer or be judged. I have suffered, and I have been judged. We all have.
After this blog post is published, I intend to move on and move forward. I will continue writing about family, motherhood, food, daily struggles, memories, and whatever else comes to mind, and I’m going to try to do it with compassion, but without fear. If I ever write something that triggers an emotional response, I hope that you would message me privately, call, email, or contact me in whatever way you like, in order to talk about it. After my brain has it’s little “holy s*^t” freak out session, I would love to broaden my horizon of experience and gain a little more perspective. I think that’s what the human experience is all about.